Friday, August 7, 2015

Chasing motherhood

Much of being a woman and in particular a Latina woman for me includes aspiring to be a Mami. I went through a stage where I thought I was being socialized to be a mother and wondered whether I, Jessica, wanted to be a mother, or was it what I was expected to do. Being true to who I am (an introspective rational thinker) I spent a lot of time thinking about the pros and cons. Pros- experiencing a kind of love like no other. Cons- HUGE responsibility, HUGE risk, TONS of anxiety, and not to mention all the sympathy I felt for traveling parents at airports. Not an easy task to take on traveling with little ones on planes and I could imagine how I, the queen of overpacking, would of course overpack for the kiddos because I would need to be prepared for every possible scenario.

I thought that I would have a lot of time. I thought that my legacy would be my education and my career. I thought that I would never get my youth back and so I needed to bask in it. Although my internal debate of whether or not I wanted to have kids would creep up then and again, I thought I had plenty of time to postpone my decision.

Well now I am forty and for five years now I have gotten the nice but also concerning look at my annual exams with my ob/gyn. Every time she would ask me nicely what my plans were the future and gently encourage me to think about trying sooner rather than later. I began to dread the question but was able to handle it much better when I was married and could answer ok...now I am ready. Well at that point I was 38. The traditionalist in me could not think of going solo on the parenthood journey by choice and luckily I met someone who was also cautiously open to parenthood.

So we got married...waited until we made our trip to Italy and then decided to give it a good try. Should be easy right? We tried....i bought ovulation kits, began to take my prenatal vitamins, and started to try to not get overwhelmed by the overkill of information on fertility out there. It was a whole new world. So much I did not know. Looking back, it is amazing how much more I know about my body now that i did before trying to get pregnant.

Needless to say it has been two years of chasing parenthood. We have both had multiple tests done and some funny stories to go along with it all. On Monday we start our first round of IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) and we are keeping our fingers crossed that it will be our first and last try.

I can't help but feel a little guilty for having taken for granted time and what it would mean. It seems like now that I am pressed up against the wall for time all of those anxieties are still there, but are all trumped by the dream of experiencing a one of a kind love and the dreams that come along with it.

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